Unlike most college kids I know, I’m not a coffee drinker. I’m especially not a Starbucks regular customer. However, I heard Starbucks was having some weird “happy hour” deal with their frappuccinos. I’m pretty familiar with their popularity among the white women in my life, and I knew that they are basically coffee milkshakes, so I decided to give them a shot. They’ve got weird flavors though, more than just coffee, so I thought that I’d give those a shot. What a mistake! These things really were a bummer, but since they’re somewhat popular with the crowd, let me fill you in on what’s the deal with them.

First up was this new flavor they’ve been promoting lately, the Midnight Mint Mocha. What is the deal with that name? It’s brown. I’ve never seen a brown midnight before. If the “Midnight” part of this drink’s title is relating to its color, the Starbucks execs got this way off. Anyway, this drink is okay, it just seems odd this comes out during the warm month of May. This is more like a Christmas drink. It’s minty and chocolatey, just not much coffee taste in there. It’s basically a Thin Mint slurpee, so it’s not too bad in that aspect, but from another point of view, it tastes more like Oreos with toothpaste filling. Pretty unoriginal stuff.

Next was the Green Tea Creme Frappuccino. This is bad. This tastes like liquid seaweed, and I’m not even one of those wimps that thinks eating seaweed is gross, but in this texture it’s just something kind of shocking. Nauseating, even. There’s food and drink that I understand why people like it. I even like gross food that people are confused by, but this is something else. If you like this drink, I suggest you visit your doctor because there is probably something else wrong with you too.

Last was the s’mores flavor, which had a nice little sprinkle of graham cracker on the whip cream. They could replace that garnish with sawdust and nobody would ever be able to tell since nobody actually eats that stuff. This did not taste like s’mores, nor any component of s’mores. No marshmallow taste, no chocolate taste, and no graham cracker taste. It was sweet which was cool, but the aftertaste is comparable to whatever is on the inside of your vacuum cleaner at any given moment. Overall, you do get that generic baked good flavor, but there is something icky about this one. Not recommended.

Maybe I should have just stuck to the coffee flavor, or to the mocha flavor, but curiosity killed the cat. I’m sure those flavors are good, since as I’ve said before, these are pretty much just milkshakes, but these wacky flavors Starbucks has are mostly just a waste of money. You’re better off just blending up some Folgers in the comfort of your own home.